my divorce from my faith is a grueling and difficult one. it has so many cultural implications for me. it's like removing a vine from branches. they are so intertwined; culture and faith. but the vine is the weed that grew in my own heart. i have, over time, evolved into someone i do not respect. in the name of "belief"; in the name of "faith". dipite my best efforts.
maybe it's all bad luck. maybe it's good luck. "who is to say what is right or what is wrong," the Taoist would say. maybe it's all the cosmic lesson that is laid out for me in particular. you know, the accumulation of events can often times spell out a larger picture than the individual ones themselves. mine has been one of continuing to wrestle and fight to understand, to see, to explore the notion of "freedom". to hopefully find others who are willing to explore this "unsafe" ground. to dialogue honestly. this is the journey i choose to continue on.
my history with the faith i have followed has been riddled with isolation. maybe i expected too much from the communities i surrounded myself with. maybe i hoped for a sense of belonging and that was not what they were intended for. maybe it's not what I was intended for. i find, at this stage, that i need to be in the company of others who don't preport to being loving or inspired or able to help others. but just people being people. i have only ever found this on an individual level. the corporateness of a community seems to breed a life of it's own that im not sure i was intended for.
those who find peace in this life are to be envied. if even for their naivety. much less for their sure fire belief in what they know. more power (rather peace) to them all. this has not been my lot for as long as i have wanted for it to be.
so, out on the road i go. i left in anger once before. that's just never a good way to leave anything or anyone. my leaving feels like an few decades of sheer disappointment. there is a real sense of the "lesson" not quite being understood (on my part), but i know of no other direction to go, but away from these communities i continue to surround myself with; that continue to disappoint.
ten bucks says i find myself looking for more "communities" to heal this wound. a small voice tells me that it's in the individuals that i find myself around that will "guide the way". they are my community. a greater community of nomads, of wanderers; heart of my heart. flesh of my flesh.
2 comments:
it is so hard to leave when so much effort and identity and purpose is wrapped up in a thing like that. the hardest thing about leaving i found, after the grief faded enough to shove aside most of the time, was to figure out what my own values actually were... still working on the vision part. i think you see the way community works for most people in this culture, as a collection of individuals and small groups (family, co-workers, friends, etc) cobbled together to form your personal network. i too find it less than, but so is everything else... sorry i'm not a voice of hope, but i can walk beside you...
You've got a really good, honest, insightful writing voice John --keep it up and thanks for sharing so openly with us all.
I agree with Queltica about the effort it takes to find your own values, vision, etc. outside of community you've been enmeshed with --but it is turning out to be a very worthwhile effort for me and I am learning how to find community now with all people...and that rocks. No more us/them stuff.
Love ya,
Leif
Post a Comment