God, the Universe, Whatever

when i was young i wanted to be a minister. yeah, i thought i knew what that was and what that looked like; what i was supposed to do and say, etc. much as changed since then. i found far too many discrepancies with it all. not so much with the Bible or the origins of faith, etc; more with what the whole thing does to humans trying to find their way through the maze of living. seems to turn people into their worst selves. it's crazy. you'd think otherwise, but it just is the case. sadly.

i s'pose i spend more time, these days, "kindly offending" the religious and looking for a place among the "heathen." caught somewhere in between the two. i hate it. the struggle. but if i'm honest, it's constant. i wasn't raised with a sense of "belonging". so i wrestle on. and that's alright.

i spent a long while saying, "screw You, "God", or whatever You are. i'm done. D - U - N. done." but it just never rung as "true" to be done. i still have fight within me. fight to believe that, even if Life wasn't like others were toting, teaching, preaching, Life is real, Life is among us; it's just too assinine to say that Life does not exist. and that i am a product of Life and his/her inventiveness. it rings as a deeply true reality dispite writing all of this before having my first cup of coffee this morning.

and dipsite what you wish you believed, i wonder what many of you actually believe about Life (or God, The Universe, The Holy Spirit, Divine or whatever you wish to call such a presence). i think many of us live lives in pursuit of something rather than in the actual presence of it. just wondering.