Lost Soul

Life has thrown me a number of curves lately (in addition to the many previous pitches i have swung at and whiffed), and i cannot bring my head/heart back around to understand or rest with it. and this has all lead me to a pretty scary place. a place of uncharterd territory. but i have to be honest when i say, i don't know where i am going in life (or after). i wrote a friend the other day and found myself telling him that i feel like a genuine "lost soul". i identify with this phrase lately. my whole way of thinking and approach to life has been turned upside down and shaken. i don't know where to turn. i think, in part, this is why i began this blog.

when i was younger, my early twenties, i knew exactly where i was going, what i was doing, and especially, what i was supposed to be doing. i took many risks in the name of what i felt was "right" and what brought "libery" (to others and myself). and as broken as i may feel i can sense Life asking me to continue risking. doesn't Life understand that i'm tired?! that i want some sympathy right about now and not a lesson on how to get back up? a little cuddle time with Life itself? Life seems deaf to this request. no, to me, Life is an animal with an animal instinct. i used to think that Life was compassionate. but i'm pretty sure i was quoting what i wanted to believe rather than what i truly believed. i am starting to believe that Life says, "wrestle Me! and if you die in the process, i will pour you a beer in the afterlife and share with you my thoughts.

i loved wrestling when i was kid.

j. louviere